It's the simple things

It's something so simple. Something innate in every woman, every mother. When your baby is upset, you pick him up and you comfort him; Hold him against your skin and speak soothing words--This is what gets to me sometimes.
Skyler has done really well but the last couple days have been pretty rough for him. They told us there would be ups and downs but I was naive about what the "downs" were. Skyler has been doing so well that I thought a down day was him having high sodium levels or not peeing very well. But the 27th was an actual down day. The PDA or opening in his heart began to affect him more. He had fluid in his lungs making it difficult for him to breath. They think he might have pneumonia so they started him on antibiotics.They also started him on medicine for his PDA. He also had to have an LP--kind of like a spinal tap and get some more lines and IVS in his body. Poor guy had two IVs just in his head. Plus the nurse practitioner told us she made a mistake and he wasn't releasing his carbon dioxide like he should. I could go on with how the medicine made him extremely puffy and other things that were affecting him but I'm sure you get the idea.
I could just see the pain and discomfort on his poor little face as he squirmed. And that's all I could do--just watch. I watched for hours and bugged the nurse about things that could help him. The only good that did was annoy the nurse.
How I wished I could do something so simple. Just hold him and comfort him. But holding him would only bother him more, what with the ventilator and all the cords and monitors attached to him. But I still wished it was in my power to comfort him. That I could take away his pain and discomfort.
Those rough days really took a toll on me. I guess everything has. See, that's how I know I have been given strength beyond my own. Some of you have been saying how strong I've been. But truth is, it's a strength that's not my own and I can't take credit for it. But even with that strength, during those rough days, I worried about him so much that I felt light headed. Like I was going to pass out by his incubator. Thinking of him feeling pain literally makes me ill.


Skyler with one eye open and his tongue sticking out. He's the cutest. Even with two IVs in his head and the arterial line in his hand, poor guy. This was before he got all puffy.

We came home from seeing Skyler that day and I got mad at Chris for something. Then while I am getting on to him, I just crumple on the floor and cry. I say, "I can't help him. And the nurse practitioner just laughs and says she made a mistake. It's her job but for him it's life and death..." Chris holds me and I tell him how I just wish I could comfort him.
So I guess I write this to say that I'm not always great at this. I'm not always on top of things. I want to be real and not earn praise that isn't really mine to earn.
We went to the temple the next day and it really helped. The thought came to me to enjoy it. I think to enjoy the journey, not just want it to be over. Not that I can enjoy him being in pain or sick, but I can enjoy seeing him grow every day and do the little things. Like a couple of days ago he opened his eyes for the first time. And the other day I watched him suck on his teeny tiny thumb. It was the most precious thing I had ever seen.
Chris is better at enjoying the moment than I am. Before that prompting I just thought he was plumb in denial about the whole thing--being happy at Skyler's bedside all the time. But maybe he understood something I didn't very well all along.
Today Skyler had a really good day. His oxygen levels were in a good range and he didn't have as much fluid in his lungs. They put him on his stomach for a while and he loves that. Yay :) They put another picc line in him, or a deep IV, so they don't have to prick him as often and can take out some of the other IVs. The nurse told us it was the fastest picc placement she had ever seen and that it went really well. I love hearing that because it means he wasn't in a lot of pain, and it can save him some pokes in the future. Just another blessing and answer to our prayers. He's such a little (big) miracle
Tomorrow we will find out if the medicine closed the PDA in his heart. I'll keep you posted.

The Insane Delivery-- Skyler 7

Jan 16th
Later that night I started to have contractions again. They were more painful than the other ones but much farther apart. I was having 2 to 4 every hour. They were keeping me up at night. At 1:30 am, I got the second steroid shot.
Since my contractions were so painful, the doctor came in and checked me around 11:00am. I was still 80 percent effaced and dilated to a 2. The next few hours I was having what I think they call back labor but it wasn't as painful as the other contractions. They were a little bit closer but not close that I was extremely concerned. I also started feeling a lot of pressure. I thought it was because I had to go to the bathroom.
At about 1:18 I went to the bathroom and felt pressure in the front. I looked down and could see something. I walked quickly to the bed and told Chris, "The baby is coming!" He had taken off work and school again so that he could be there in case anything happened. He was sleeping on the chair in my room when I said that. He looked down at me and ran to get the nurses. It was literally like a dramatic scene out of a movie or television show. The next thing I know, the nurses are running, wheeling me in the bed over to labor and delivery. Doctors are running beside me. I just look up and say, "What do I do?" They tell me not to push, so I don't. I'm afraid that its bad for him to be stuck in there for too long. They get me into one of the rooms and stick something sterile under me and I push two or three times and two doctors deliver my baby. His butt comes out first instead of his legs, making it so his head didn't get stuck-- Another miracle. I had decided at this point that I probably would do a c-section but since he came out so fast, we didn't have to make that choice. At this point Skyler hasn't made a sound, of course, and I don't think he's moving. They hand him over to the team of NICU doctors and nurses. Later I learned that the doctor on call was the head of the NICU team at the hospital-- another blessing.
I tell them over and over just to resuscitate him. Save him. It doesn't matter if he isn't moving or anything. Just resuscitate him. Resuscitate him and if he is a vegetable we can always take him off support later. I say it over and over so that there's no confusion about what we want. Even then a NICU doctor tells me that they can stop at any point if I want to, and I say "Don't, just save him." It's then that I cry. I have a gut wrenching sob. They take Skyler away.

Chris' hand has been on my head the whole time. You think you love someone, but then you go through something like this with them and it becomes something so much deeper. All the petty stuff you ever fought about before just doesn't matter anymore. Chris and I had talked about it earlier, and he said of course we would love Skyler if he was handicapped and had disabilities. Just as much. And I know Chris means it. He would love him just as much and he would never resent him or the situation. That's who he is.
My mom left the room and Chris and I had some time together. It was about then that all the pain started to hit me. Right when they started pushing on my stomach. I pretty much went into shock and started shaking and having tons of pain and nausea. It was then that they gave me some pain meds and an hour later they kicked in and I felt better.

We got to go and see our son in the NICU around that time. He was stable and doing good. I listened as Chris put a finger on Skyler's little head and gave him a blessing. It was one of the sweetest moments of my life. To watch my husband give our son, our miracle baby, his first father's blessing.
He was so small. A little longer than Chris' hand but probably not as wide. They told us that once they resuscitated him, he started kicking and punching them. They had to sedate him-- a really good sign. He's a fighter. If I hadn't gone into labor the day before, he wouldn't have had time for the steroids to work in his system. They weren't planning on giving them to me for a couple more days. Just another one of the many miracles. And now he is doing so well. He doesn't even have any bleeding in his brain. Something that is rare and truly a miracle for a premature baby like him. We feel so blessed that he is doing so well, so blessed to have him.

In Labor and in Denial-- Skyler 6

Jan 15th
My pain started getting worse and worse at about 5 minutes to midnight. I was in denial until it was completely obvious that I was having contractions. They were already 2 to 3 minutes apart. I finally told Chris that I was having them and the nurses came in. He told me that they were probably gas pains. Even though I wanted to shoot him at that moment, I realized he was just in denial too. I had already gone through the stages of denial before I told him. He wasn't quite ready to hear that. Neither of us were. We weren't ready for any of this. I had planned on taking birthing classes with him. (There he would have learned not to say things like that :) Heck, I had only read to 23 weeks in my What to Expect When Expecting book because I didn't want to get too excited or too far ahead. I had planned to take a nursing class and hopefully a parenting class. I couldn't help but look at Chris and say, "I'm not ready for this."

They wheeled me over to labor and delivery. They put an oxygen mask on me. They gave me my first steroid shot to develop the baby's lungs faster. They also gave me Magnesium something through an IV to help prevent neurological damage for the baby. The side effects of the Magnesium were pretty nasty. I felt like I had the flu and had hot flashes. I was sweating. It was painful going into my body. I had to have a catheter because the Magnesium can affect your kidneys. Needless to say, I was miserable.
By this point I was 80 percent effaced and dilated to a 2. As if things couldn't get worse, they did an ultra sound and showed that Skyler was breech. The doctor then explained that if we didn't do a c-section, his head was most likely going to get stuck in the birth canal and he would die. At that time, Skyler's heart rate began to drop dramatically. They came in to tell us that he was basically dying and that there was no point in watching his heart rate anymore because it was like watching him die. They told us that even if we did a c-section at this point, he probably wouldn't make it anyway. Chris and I said a prayer and we just couldn't feel good about doing the c-section. We told the doctor we weren't going to do a c-section but I told her not to turn the heart monitor off. They could watch it but I wouldn't.
Even at this point, I started to cry again but stopped. The thought came to me again that there would be plenty of time to mourn him if he died. I thought, what more could I do for him? I had done all I could and it must be the Lord's will that he dies.
It was about 5:30 am at this point. My contractions were now far apart and the side effects of the Magnesium had worn off. Miraculously, the doctor came in to tell us the Skyler's heart rate had gone back to normal. They didn't know why, but he was stable again. My labor wasn't progressing anymore and I convinced the nurse to get rid of the horrible catheter. By 9:00 am the next day, they knew that my labor wasn't progressing and moved me out of labor and delivery and back into my old room.

He's in Distress-- Skyler 5

Jan. 9th-- Jan 14th
The next four days went really well. They had started me on 7 days worth of antibiotics to prevent infection; More heavy duty ones than I had at the other hospital. One was painful going in from the IV but I was happy to be on them. My Mom flew in at the perfect time. Chris had taken off work and stayed with me but that Monday he needed to go back to work and school. He would be off again on the weekend. It was nice because my Mom was there the whole time he was gone and she gave me a massage every day :) I was still leaking amniotic fluid slowly and bleeding, with some pain here and there, but Skyler's heart rate was normal and I hadn't shown any signs of infection-- fever, certain pains, unusual coloration. Things were good. I did my best to lay in a way that made me leak as little amniotic fluid as possible and only got up to go to the bathroom or take a quick shower. We had friends visiting us, and the doctors and specialists were sounding more and more hopeful every day. We felt like I was going to be there for weeks.
On Jan 13th, out of nowhere, I started having more pain. I didn't worry about it too much because I had had bad pain before and nothing had really come of it. That night I went to the bathroom and there was green. Something that could only mean infection. This is one of the times I know that I could feel the strength of all the prayers that have been offered in our behalf. I have felt the power of them all along and have been so grateful for them. But at that moment, I know I was given extra strength. I just went into "go mode" and put my emotions aside. Something that was impossible to do without the strength of the Lord. I showed the nurse the green and she went to get the doctor. It was Saturday night so Chris was there. Two nurses were in the room as we waited for the doctor. They were patting me and smiling too much. It was obvious that this was really bad.
The doctor came in and the NICU doctor over Primary Children's NICU. They thought it could be meconium--baby poo. The baby only poos in the womb if he is in distress and its dangerous because he can swallow it and become infected. It also means that you are probably going into labor. Dr. Null was extremely sweet to me and Chris as he discussed our options. He talked about the baby's quality of life, and the dangers of a c-section this early. It could effect my chances of having children in the future. He talked about how we might only want to resuscitate the baby if he comes out moving. If he doesn't come out looking too good we might not want to.

Beating the odds--Skyler 4

Jan 8th
When we got there, the nurses that admitted us were shocked when they heard we were sent home from the same hospital the first time. They even had Chris point out the nurses' from some pictures.
The doctor did an ultrasound and we saw the Skyler was low on amniotic fluid (a 4, I think normal is 10-20);. But I wasn't dilated or in labor. That was a relief. Also, his heart beat was in the normal range. They told me I could stay in the hospital until I gave birth.
A NICU doctor came in to talk to me and I thought it was just going to be about the NICU. Instead, it was the person who was supposed to be the bearer of bad news. Most of it I had already heard at the other hospital, but for some reason it hit me a lot harder because I wasn't expecting it. She told me the run down: They didn't intervene until 24 weeks (Yes, I had my baby at 23 weeks and 2 days and they did intervene.) Even if I make it to 24 weeks, there is a 20 percent chance of survival and a 50 percent chance that he would have issues like being blind and deaf, have cerebral palsy etc. Oh and there was one detail she did tell me about the NICU-- the baby was likely to stay in there until his actual due date, mine was May 11. After that joyful talk, the doctor came back in to ask me what I wanted to do. Apparently you have a choice that you can induce labor right then. I was still 22 weeks along. I told her I did not want to do that and I wanted to be aggressive in doing what we could to save the baby.

Chris and I the day after I gave birth.

Chris and his family were so awesome, that night they all came and threw me a Birthday party in the hospital room. They made dinner and we had Costco chocolate cake--It was so good. Chris gave me a necklace. It has a big heart and a little heart on the bottom of it. The big one is the mom and the small one is the baby. On the curve of the necklace it says, "Love grows in a mother's heart." He wrote me a card that said, no matter what happened, I was already a great mom. And that he was proud of me. It still makes me cry just thinking about it-- And I have worn that necklace every day since.
`

He's in the Lord's hands--Skyler 3

Jan 5th-- Jan 8th
The next day the doctor told me he was sending me home on bed rest. If I made it to 23 1/2 weeks, he would have me admitted to IMC hospital to get steroids to help develop Skyler's lungs. But I didn't want to go home. I had talked to another doctor and a NICU nurse from another hospital and they said I should stay at the hospital. Going home meant that Skyler's heart rate wouldn't be monitored, and Chris, and my in-laws, would have to do everything for me. I wasn't supposed to move from the bed except to go to the bathroom.
We hadn't slept much at all the night before so when we got home Chris sat down and started to fall asleep. I realized I was starving and that all the food was upstairs. Being pregnant, I was eating a 2nd lunch and 2nd dinner, you know.:) Well I felt bad waking Chris up and didn't want to bug anyone else. I couldn't help but cry a little. How was thing going to work? How was I supposed to have Chris get me food and do everything for me 24/7? Soon he would have work and school. The fam was extremely helpful but they had their own lives and I couldn't ask for someone to be around every second of the day. But of course I had to stop crying because my stomach muscles were starting to clench.
To help me out, Chris and his sister Cassie went to the store that night to get me some food I could have downstairs. A mini fridge would have been ideal but those were expensive so they decided to get stuff to put in a cooler. Well, while they were talking about all the stuff they were going to put in the cooler, one of the workers at Walmart overheard them and said, "Hey you guys need a mini fridge." They were like, "Yes we do!" Then a lady walking past just then said, "You guys need a mini fridge? I have one. I was going to sell it online but if you want it you can have it." They go to pick up the fridge from her house and it turns out that its a brand new extremely nice mini fridge. They looked it up and it's worth $200. What are the odds? It was definitely one of the Lord's tender mercies and a miracle. It's one of the many ways we know all the prayers in our behalf have been working miracles for our little family.

The day Skyler was born. The first time I got to see him. He's not in the plastic bag it is just over him for warmth.

While they were gone, my friend Nikki got me in touch with a girl who ruptured at 19 1/2 weeks and managed to keep the baby in till 25 weeks. She said I needed to get to the University of Utah Hospital right now, that I never should have been sent home. She was at the University of Utah Hospital until she gave birth. Well, this got me all up in arms and as soon as Chris and his sister got home from the store I made them take me to that hospital.
The nurses at the front desk told me the same sad tale; That there wasn't much they could do for me until I was at the age of viability and that if I showed signs of infection they would encourage me to go into labor. All three of us went home pretty discouraged and I managed to drop my phone in the toilet that night too. But we were still happy about the mini fridge and excited to stock it up.
Chris and his family were amazing at helping me with anything I needed. His mom even gave me a bell to ring if I needed anything and they would come check on me all the time. Chris' sister cleaned the bathroom spotless for me, to help me be less stressed about infection. My friend Kristen came and gave me a massage. Things were going great. But I still felt an overwhelming amount of pressure to avoid infection and not to get too stressed, or do anything that could put me in labor, or make me lose more amniotic fluid. I was praying about all this when the thought came to me that it was all in the Lord's hands. Even if I did everything I could, it wasn't me that was keeping Skyler in there and keeping him alive-- it was the Lord. These feelings comforted me because it reminded me that no matter what I did, Skyler was in the Lord's hands. And if it was his will that he should live, then he would. If he was to die, then that was the Lord's will as well. I prayed that if it was His will, that Skyler would live and that his body would develop faster.
On Jan 7th, I started to feel pain and cramping and there was a lot more blood, but not enough to go to the hospital just yet. It stressed me out, and then I got stressed that I couldn't be stressed because it was bad for the baby. I finally took a sleep aid to knock myself out. Well, on my Birthday I woke up in blood and we went back to University of Utah Hospital.

My water broke at 21 weeks- Skyler 2

Chris and I on Jan. 1, 2012

Christmas break-- Jan 4th
For Christmas, we went to Lubbock Texas to visit the fam. It was a really nice trip. Chris got to play lots of basketball with my Dad and brothers and I was going to Zumba classes with my mom and sister-in-laws (Jill and Jamie).

 It was the first time I had worked out since I was 5 or 6 weeks pregnant; I started bleeding when I was 5 weeks pregnant and it lasted for about three weeks. The doctor told me to wait a while before exercising again. A month later, he made a rule that if I started spotting I should wait seven days before exercising again. But I never got back into it after that; I had work and finals so exercising took the back burner. A couple days before we got to Texas, I had my 19-week ultra sound.

Everything looked great. Our baby was measuring just right and there were no abnormalities.

Well, us girls had a lot of fun doing classes, but then I started bleeding again. I didn't worry too much about it since I had just had my ultrasound and everything seemed fine. I started to get concerned when I stopped exercising for a few days and  the bleeding didn't taper off like it should. I also started to notice that I was leaking some sort of fluid.

Right before we went to Texas, Chris and I decided to move in with his family in Bountiful for our last semester of school, to help save money for the baby, due May 11, and prepare for Chris' JDMBA program. I still hadn't switched doctors to someone in Bountiful.

  So as soon as we got back to Bountiful we went to the Emergency Room.

The nurse at the ER assured me that I wasn't leaking amniotic fluid, but that the doctor on call was old school so he wanted me in for an ultra sound the next day just to make sure. I still felt uneasy and definitely wanted the ultrasound to find out what was going on.

The next day, Jan 4th, 2012, my new doctor told me that I had ruptured and that I would most likely give birth in 3 to 5 days. I was about 21 weeks and 5 days.

 I started to cry but every time my stomach muscles clenched I was afraid it would put me into labor or that I would lose more amniotic fluid. So I stopped crying as best I could; I called Chris as they wheeled me over from the clinic to the hospital.

Even though I had thought it could be amniotic fluid, I didn't actually believe it was at the same time. I had noticed the fluid since at least Dec. 31st. It could have been going on for longer. Although I wasn't working out the few days after I started bleeding, I still had ran up the stairs and carried boxes, all the while being ruptured. I had walked fast up three flights of stairs just to get to the doctor's office that day.

It was truly a miracle that Skyler still had as much amniotic fluid in there as he did and that I wasn't dilated.

Chris got to the hospital in a matter of minutes and the nurses gave me antibiotics through an IV for 24 hours. The nurses were extremely nice but they told me that the doctor wasn't hopeful that I would make it. They always said, "Well we don't like to give you false hope..." When you are PPROM, you are extremely susceptible to infection. One of our friends started leaking fluid when she was full term and they told her they would have to induce her in the next couple days because the risk of infection was so dangerous it could kill her or the baby. It was actually this friend's story that made me think I could be leaking amniotic fluid in the first place.

The doctor told me that if I showed the signs of infection that I would have to deliver no matter what. He explained that when women deliver that early, the doctor hands the parents their baby and they say goodbye as the baby dies in their arms. He let me know that that was my most likely outcome. Also, if I started going into labor then they couldn't stop it because it's usually the body's way of saying their is an infection even if the signs aren't outwardly evident.

While this is all going on, I prayed that I wouldn't be so stressed. I knew that the more stressed and upset I was, the worse the baby would do and might put me into labor. The thought came to me that I would have plenty time to mourn Skyler if he did die. Now wasn't the time. He was inside me right now doing great for his gestational age. He had no clue he was in danger. Chris was so reassuring and stayed with me the whole time. He said he didn't feel like Skyler was going to come out right now. He felt like he would be fine. We played off each other's confidence: If I was going to go into labor in 3 to 5 days, then wouldn't it have already happened? I had been leaking for at least 4 or 5 days already. We could be fine. Doctors just have to give you the cold hard facts...

You never know what a new year will bring. Still in shock- Skyler 1

Who would have thought that while Chris and I sat on my parent's couch in Texas on New Year's Eve, that only a few days later we would be told that we were most likely going to lose our 21-week-old baby. Who would have thought that only two days after that I would be sent home from two different hospitals being told that there wasn't much they could do for us until our baby was "viable." Or in other words, I reached 23 1/2 to 24 weeks gestation before going into labor. Who would have thought what the next weeks would bring.
The next week, I would be admitted into a hospital and told that our baby had a low chance of survival, that our baby had a fighting chance, that our baby was in distress, that our baby was dying and that our baby was breach.
Once we had the baby we were told that our baby wasn't moving, and then that our baby was resuscitated and stable. Now, the doctors and nurses tell us that our baby is doing really well.
This new year has already been quite a shock but it has also been jam packed with miracles. I was first diagnosed with Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes on Jan 4th. I was put on bed rest that day. I gave birth to Skyler on Jan 16th and was released from the hospital on Jan 18th. When I left the hospital I was not quite sure what to do with myself. All of the sudden I wasn't pregnant, I wasn't on bed rest and I wasn't coming home with a baby. I am so happy and grateful that Skyler is alive but still in shock about everything that has happened, and still figuring out what to do with myself now. In two weeks time, mine and Chris' life has changed forever.
Needless to say, you never know what the new year will bring. I sure hope the next 11 months won't be quite this eventful

Skyler Christopher Hill at 6 days old. Skyler was born on Jan. 16 at 1:27pm at 23 weeks and 2 days, weighing 1 pound 5 ounces.

We are so grateful that so many people have been praying for our little family. We have truly witnessed miracles and have felt the strength of those prayers. I wanted to write the next blog posts for myself and for those who have been wondering about the details.**I should add a disclaimer that if you don't want to read about leaking amniotic fluid and bleeding then you probably shouldn't read these posts. I want to write about everything that happened and I can't do it without talking about things like that. I should probably add another disclaimer; these entries are going to be pretty long. But I know I will look back and be so glad to have them. One day I'll be able to hold Skyler in my arms and tell him what a miracle he is and how happy we are to have him.